I hate birds

You know what I absolutely hate? Birds. Like, all birds.1 Birds are the absolute worst creatures on the planet, they make stupid annoying noises, and they wake me up well before dawn after a night of wretched insomnia with their stupid courtship songs and they flutter around outside my window and make my cat crazy. Their faces look evil, because they are evil. Like, snakes? Snakes can look almost friendly. You look at a bird and there’s just a cocktail of evil and stupidity sloshing around in there. Also–and this has happened to me TWICE–I had a raven swoop out of a tree and take a huge chunk of my hair back with it for its evil stupid purposes. My hair is probably part of some dark auguring shit or something, or, like, a nest. Birds are the worst. I hate birds.2

Happy stupid Monday.

  1. Nope, that’s a lie. I love ducks. Also everyone loves owls. Also I pretty clearly love all the birds I see while kayaking, so what I clearly mean is ‘a few birds in particular I dislike.’
  2. Oh I forgot I also really love eggs. So, ducks will not be obliterated from the planet.