Run Devil Run

I am not known as someone who puts a lot of thought into clothing, which is a little funny, because I have very specific ideas about costumes and I love getting dressed up…when I get dressed up. Which is very rarely. Because I’m lazy. And also I discovered the perfect t-shirt several years ago, and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I choose a dress I can’t breathe in over that t-shirt.1

But I am having a serious gym clothing crisis, because when my phone informs me I’m supposed to go work out for four hours, I just have literally no idea how to deal with the clothing issue. I feel like I’ve tried everything, and everything leaves me completely soaked with sweat and I feel like a disgusting water-logged monster, and I can’t even get my clothes off in the locker room they’re so wet. Like, I go for a two hour run and it looks like I’ve been swimming. And I can’t be the only person who really doesn’t enjoy spending four-ish hours being soaking wet. So I assume there’s a solution to this problem, and that I’m not the first person to ask this question, but I honestly have no idea what the people around me are wearing that works a million times better than what I’m wearing.

This is the thing about starting something new as an adult, is that you have all these idiotic questions, and you have no one to ask. Like, if I was in high school, I’m pretty sure an adult would intercede.2 In adult-land, you actually have to ask for help, and it sucks.

Supposedly there’s this magical property of very expensive running pants, which is some kind of “sweat-wicking” which, given my understanding of the verb “to wick” is something more of an aspirational quality of the fabric than an actual feature. And then you end up googling really weird shit, like “clothes for really sweaty people,” only to find out that there is no answer except “why the hell are you working out for four hours?”

Because marathon. Because idiot. Because racing demons.

Speaking of which, remember “Run Devil Run”?

The answer is here. It’s a costume change.

I think the answer is pretty obvious, and it’s that you have to change your clothes if you don’t want to be wet. Logic and research tell me that’s the only answer. Which is annoying, because I really want it to be, “Oh, you haven’t heard of XYZ brand? It’s magic. That’s what everyone who isn’t you is wearing.” I want the answer to be like everything else, where when you stop being a stubborn and shy little bitch and just ask someone for help, it turns out you just didn’t know how to set up your bike and now that you know how to set it up everything is much easier. During an actual race I think I probably won’t mind being wet as much, and I’ll just do the best I can. What I really want are these fancy arm thingers so I can be cool like Heather Jackson but the pink ones don’t come in my size.

Anyway. Run Devil Run is super catchy and I continue to be amazed that KPop isn’t crossover popular. I’m not even into KPop (I can name like three groups) and I find this catchy. Although I do see a lot more KPop stuff here in the states, which I think is really cool. But where is my KPop theme spin class??? When will the Crazy Rich Asians effect extend to DC spin classes?

  1. It’s J. Crew’s garment-dyed t-shirts from a few years back. I have something like eight of them (left), and they are slowly being destroyed, and I have no idea what I will do when I can’t wear the same t-shirt in a different color every day. What the hell, J Crew. You can’t make the perfect t-shirt and then just up and stop making them. What the fucking hell. This is why you’re going out of business.
  2. Now that I’m thinking about it, the only sport I played in high-school was played in a skirt, so…maybe that’s why I don’t remember this being a problem.